


Blog entry #4

by GingerCrowleyarty



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Apologies, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Gen, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 18:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5259113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerCrowleyarty/pseuds/GingerCrowleyarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After losing two of her squad members there is only one way for Shepard to pull herself together. A note from her intimate diary.<br/>This takes place after Priority: Rannoch in Mass Effect 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blog entry #4

”Today we lost Tali and Legion. I don’t know why I only write here when I lose someone, but that’s it again. Kaidan’s out there playing cards with James and being really awful at hiding his feelings. He won’t let me discuss this hard situation. This fucking unfair outcome. So here I am all alone at my cabin. And, yes, I’m crying my eyes out. Can’t stop. Didn’t expect it to be this heavy. I’ve just lost two squad members due to my uncapability of reaching out to others and I hate myself so much that I’m not sure I’m ready to go on further with this war.  
Joker is broken, too. God, sometimes I imagine how easy it would be if I had been a cute touchy-feely person, for whom showing care is natural. I mean, right, I wish I was Kaidan. But of course being in his shoes isn’t that easy. I wish it were. He’s got that hell of a story behind him..so it kind of wouldn’t work anyway, right? Doesn’t matter. Hell, nothing seems to matter now. I’ve never felt so weak and defenseless. But I wish I gave Joker a hug, even broke some of his bones in the process. Just, so, you know, he’d truly feel I gave a damn and were there for him.  
I didn’t dare to visit neither Garrus nor Liara. My head is aching as if it’s about to blow up.  
I lost two friends, as it turned out, too close to me. And all I write here about is myself and unimportant stuff! Could I act worse?  
Legion died as a hero. He gave the geth a chance, led to the rise of a new independent race. Died, creating life. That caused destruction, too. Quarians. I..I don’t believe it to be his fault, no way. It’s just if only the ships had stood down. If only the quarian fleet had ceased fire. If only.  
I’m not the one to dig deep into all the ‘what ifs’, but this time all the options haunt me and there’s no escape. There’s more to that. The crew is so hurt, yet everyone decides to leave their grief to themselves. I see pain no amount of medigel can heal.  
Legion, about that thing geth said, you did have a soul. I know it, I felt it and trusted you no matter the case because you were bigger than anyone could ever see. Not only you were extremely smart and skilled, there was hope in you. You were a great and a loyal fighter. And one of the most amazing marvels of the ship.  
Tali. Dear Tali’Zorah vas Normandy, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry for failing you. For not doing enough to save your people. For depriving you of hope and any will to live. For my clumsy hands. For losing you.  
Tali died because she had no purpose to move on anymore. She died for she loved her people, the idea of peaceful future back home and everything quarians stood for, too much. She loved life. She had a caring heart that I broke.  
Keelah se’lai, my friends. I’ll ask Kolyat to help me pray for you. And I promise, I swear to win this war for the sake of both of you or I die trying.  
I part with you on this day. My soul is coming asunder to rise up again. Only stronger. I won’t ever forget you. I’ll struggle knowing I owe you this.  
And when the day of Reaper end is here I’ll make sure whether I’m dead or alive, that your names glow in history of the victory.  
I’m sure you’re not alone out there. You have each other. If there’s heaven out there of any kind, be happy there, Tali. And let Legion be by your side, show him the capabilities of his soul. Find Ash, she’ll help you get through with this. Say hi to Mordin. Tell him, songs are being written about him. Find Thane’s peaceful sea shore on the other side. Visit him and tell him his son’s the best he could imagine. I’m keeping an eye on him.  
Belive me when I say I miss you. Don’t hate me. I’ll die one day sooner or later. This way, if I, by some miracle, make it to your heavens you will kick my ass for all my wrongs. Let me move on now, I have a Galaxy to save. And thanks to you I know it’s worth it.  
Thank you, my friends. But no goodbyes. See you some day. I love you.”  
Though Shep hated shrinks with her entire being she admitted one thing they were right about: expressing feelings through typing them into some private log made dealing with pain easier. It was truly amazing how when she began writing she was ready to give up on everything and by the end of it she found new inspiration, a kick to act. Her face went all red and extremely hot, her head was leaden and she kept on weeping. She hugged herself as the cabin dissolved - she had no desire to wipe away the tears anymore - nevertheless commander became determined to put Reapers through hell, end this war and make her fallen fellow memebers of the Normandy family proud.  
Shepard fell asleep right in the chair and had her terrible bothersome nightmares afresh. New voices joined the blaming choir, she pursued the boy. Except for this time he didn’t catch fire. He ran away, disappeared and then there was light. A round spot of it, like a drone. And it spoke to her. Told her she could make things right. One day. After that the drone exploded. The boy appeared. Grabbed her hand, squeezed it and said: “Maybe.” His face with those scared eyes changed. There was a terrible grin on it. Not a comforting dream at all, just the one Shepard deserved.  
The first thing she said after she opened her eyes was this: “Keep your promise or you will never make up for it all.Got it.”  
As she once told Kaidan later, the sound of Legion and Tali’s voices together was the most beautiful thing she ever heard.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has already been uploaded to tumblr by me (http://roguedoodling.tumblr.com/post/131451750268/mass-effect-fanfiction)  
> The main idea came to me suddenly as I lost both Tali and Legion on Rannoch. I cried a lot and was really hurt, blamed myself for not having enough Paragon/Renegade points to help fleets reach an agreement, so I decided to show that I care by writing something dedicated to that loss. I believe this is how my Shep would try to survive through that tragedy.


End file.
